Et is the fourth day at the fair of puss: Twelve celebrity dummies, who have been spared success, are still waiting in the Australian bush to once a day from Sonja Zietlowthe Inka Bause of the faecal television, and to let her trainee be scared through disgust tests.
Between kangaroo testicles and crocodile penises, there are stars to be earned, which can be exchanged for a few grams of exotic meat from animals that are on the verge of extinction at the cozy Läster campfire in the evening. Meat, or as the former “Germany’s Next Top Model” participant and professional vegan Tessa Bergmeier says: carcasses.
Aftershocks of the bean scandal
After almost a hundred hours of isolation in the jungle, the jungle king aspirants, who are now armed with a nervous costume that has been botoxed by permanent luxury withdrawal, are so obsessed with conflict that adjectives such as “disrespectful”, “antisocial” and imperatives such as “fuck you!” already find their way into the living room in the opening credits of local voyeurs. No wonder that actress Jana Pallaske, the Joan of Arc of the esoteric revolution, prefers to talk to trees rather than to those who suffer.
The reason for this may be yesterday’s bean quake, which shook the ground between Pallaske and radio presenter Verena Kerth. In any case, that is still the number one topic of conversation the following day. Pallaske even thinks: “Now the barrel is open!” Should Poland then defect, the blessing in the camp will hang by a thread.
And his name is Lucas Cordalis. More boring than “the husband of Daniela Katzenberger” one can hardly present oneself. RTL keeps the camera on the largely motionless son of the first king of the jungle for several minutes a day to ensure that the Mallorca bard is still alive.
After the showdown at the bean buffet, the first camp alliances also emerge. Designer Claudia Effenberg is #TeamVerena, while reality TV nomad Gigi Birofio and Playboy highlight of the month Cecilia Asoro are #TeamJana. Gigi even calls Jana “magic girl”, although it’s not entirely clear why – maybe because she likes to talk to rocks? His opinion of Verena and Claudia is not quite as high. He analyzes their access code to celebrity status as follows: “They both stuck their tongues in a soccer player and bang!”
Yes, bang. Overall, Gigi seems to be quite a sensitive man. In the course of the diversity movement, he has learned not to grab strangers’ hair without being asked – no matter how unusual the hairstyle appears. Consequently, he changes his tactics to be politically correct. For days he has been trying unsuccessfully to lasciviously suck in Cecilia’s braids, just like Lady and the Tramp once did in the legendary pasta scene. Oral fixation and malnutrition – a rather explosive combination for Gigi.
Luckily, his jungle exam partner is Tessa today. Their head of hair seems to put him less in sucking lust. Tessa triggers rather uncontrollable flatulence in him. As the first contestant in 16 seasons jungle camp he proudly presents his anal rush to Sonja Zietlow and Jan Köppen as soon as he starts work. Meanwhile, Tessa looks at Gutwind Daredevil as if he just cut up a baby seal. Thank god smell television hasn’t been invented yet. Despite using their own bioweapons against their own exam mate, Team “Gissa” (half Gigi, half Tessa) gets a solid seven stars.
To keep the twelve D-Celebrity Horsemen of the jungle apocalypse happy, send RTL then the navigation wonders Djamila Rowe and Cosimo Citiolo on the well-tried treasure hunt. Both win the coveted chest, but the hungry celebrity rank and file spontaneously decides in a grassroots democratic vote for the wrong answer to the open sesame question hidden inside and gets nothing. Apart from expenses (and some awkward hopping exercises in a bee costume), once again nothing happened for Pechmarie Cosimo, who since his unfortunate appearance in the “Summer House of the Stars” cannot necessarily look back on a remarkable winning streak.
Matching the gags of the team of moderators, there are flat peaches for dinner. Garnished with monkey head mushrooms and a mighty kangaroo tail. Aversion Avenger Gigi is still grumpy. Tessa in particular is a thorn in his side. Or rather in the ear: “Tessa’s voice is like someone pissing in your ear,” he notes. She’s right on the famous 180 and storms indignantly to the jungle phone. After a few reassuring words from camp mediators Lucas Cordalis and catwalk trainer Papis Loveday, the situation calmed down only briefly. Immediately after the meal, the escalation alarm goes off again.
This time, Youtuber Jolina Mennen is upset that Djamila and Tessa didn’t help clean up after the gourmet meal and are already lying in their jungle bunks. Instead of the broad approval that was apparently expected, Jolina is facing headwinds from within her own ranks. “We are not the jungle police,” replies her hit son Lucas.
This took the wind out of the sails of the cleaning Stasi and those who refused to do the rinsing sleep blissfully through until the jungle exam candidates were announced in the morning. It doesn’t hit Tessa for the first time, but Jana. Spectacular developments, then, that will have to be reported on tomorrow. Until then!