Jungle camp 2023: The level of escalation is high


Erst day five in jungle camp and the hate speech hedonists Claudia Effenberg (ex of Thomas Strunz) and Verena Kerth (ex of Oliver Kahn) have already derailed their hubris-soaked nagging express “Schickeria” in the dead-end station “Agitiergarten”. While I’m still pondering whether the “D” in D-Zug stands for drama queen or for denunciation, the Bavarian players’ women’s union has already identified the strategic goals of their complaining club: top model tragedy Tessa Bergmeier, Urkraftriegel Jana Pallaske and naked checker Cecilia Asoro . Especially with the “Playboy” Bachelorette, the two have a bigger problem than RWE with Greta Thunberg. For minutes, Claudia imitates Cecilia’s supposedly edgy sentences. This talent probably also gave her her name: Claudia Nachäffenberg.

Claudia and Verena are reminiscent of two 60-year-old ex-models who used to be it girls at P1, but are guaranteed never to be as “cheap” as their 20-year-old successors, who discredit them today. The bleached girl group collects a particularly large number of anti-karma points with their relevance attack against Cecilia. Ironically, the two intellectual luminaries accuse the Düsseldorf native who works in a nursing profession with disabled people: “What has she already achieved?” If slander was Olympic, Claudia and Verena would be it Michael Phelps and the Carl Lewis of the jungle.

Who is actually monitoring compliance with the rules this year? Christina Lambrecht?

An escalation level of this magnitude was rare at such an early stage. And the D-celebrities in the RTL rehabilitation camp have not even had their cigarettes canceled so far. Funny – because the list of rule violations is already longer than the face of Kalle Rummenigge when he found out that luxury watches from Qatar have to be declared when entering Germany. So many offenses have accumulated just for the paragraph “Night watch always in pairs” – under normal circumstances, the jungle clique could sit by the campfire for eight months without seeing a single fag. Of course, the question arises: Who is actually monitoring how extensively the camp inmates are following the rules this year? Christina Lambrecht?

To ensure some action, the campers receive a surprise visit at night: an army of frogs enters the campsite of the twelve celebrity asylum seekers. The cute amphibians had RTL not announced, nor do they have voting numbers. Still, some of the vertebrates are considered better known than Jolina Mennen.

Jana


Jana “Urkraft” Pallaske secured a star on day 5 in the “Fiesenrad” jungle test.
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Image: RTL / Stefan Thoyah


Lightning fast attacks seem to be a hobby of the toad armada. In any case, the former nude dancer Djamila Rowe wakes up with a start: “Something jumped into my bed!” And that again wasn’t a Swiss ambassador. Luckily, Djamila is familiar with frog prevention: “If they’re poisonous, you have to lick them.” Exactly. That’s what every reputable frog doctor says. This rule shouldn’t be confused with the code of conduct towards women: If you lick them if they’re poisonous, your career is over and at most you’ll get your own comedy program on Sat.1. Djamila’s overall summary then falls into the category of conspiracy theory: “As soon as the light is out, frogs come flying. Did RTL throw them?” And that’s where the fun ends for me: sticking to freeways and mashed potatoes on works of art, okay – but throwing frogs? Now you’re going too far last generation!

“I need a week of Tessa withdrawal”

The morning also remains sentimental when DSDS mascot Cosimo Citiolo comforts Schlager legend son Lucas Cordalis, who has to think a lot about his late father Costa. Full of fervor he tells the irritated Lucas his favorite song from Costa Cordalis is “Greek Wine.” I always found Costa Cordalis’s “Es Feta Train to Nowhere” and “Ouzo Happy” the best. In general, Cosimo is a connoisseur of the music scene: “The soundtrack of “Eye Of The Tiger” is also great, isn’t it?” Who doesn’t know the blockbuster “Eye Of The Tiger”? With the theme song by Lou Bega: “Rambo No. 5.”

Jana goes into the jungle test without any music. A home game for them. Because she has long since passed her worst disgust test: in 2007 she shot the film “Vollidiot”. With Oliver Pocher. Accordingly, she gets six stars. Frog Queen Djamila praises: “Even the quiet can do something.” Attention! Not to be confused with the motto of all lifestyle mothers in Prenzlauer Berg: Even those who breastfeed can achieve something. Fun fact: Claudia would have gotten zero stars and then blamed everything on Cecilia. Meanwhile, Jana celebrates herself with a long swim in the camp lake: “I love to dance in the water.” It’s good that she says so. To outsiders, it initially looked like she was having a stroke.

Meanwhile, Cosimo is in a family mood: “I think Dieter Bohlen is like my mother or Mario Basler.” So the ha factor remains high here. What do you mean, Dieter Bohlen is like his mother? Did he cosimo during his time with DSDS breastfed?

Meanwhile, Gigi Birofio is not in a good mood: “I need Tessa withdrawal for a week.” Worse than Tessa, he only finds fish: “Fish is my biggest enemy.” Tessa suffers from acute shortness of breath after dinner. The Australian vegetables supplied by RTL seem very dangerous for German palates. Please? Something with a migration background that endangers Germans? Friedrich Merz is already considering requesting the first names of the vegetables from RTL. Until then, the spectators will first choose the three from the zankstelle in the next jungle test. I’ll tell you tomorrow how the harmony trio Claudia, Verena and Tessa is doing.



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